Lord, Reduce me to Love

I've been meaning to write this for almost a week but life gets in the way and then the doubts roll in about being so honest and pouring my heart out. Right now I am just sitting at my computer very inspired listening and singing beautiful songs of praise and worship and just embracing God. What an awesome awesome God I have!! Unfortunately I haven't always felt this way or rather I've always loved God but have been turned off of Christianity. I grew up in the church with Christian parents who were very set in their ways and I love them for that I truly do. I believe they are the two few people I know who are not in any way "fake" Christians. They are the same way they are Sunday that they are through the week so when I started to see the world through ME my eyes were opened to a very "fake" world. Does this make any sense at all? I became very disappointed and let down. I saw the Christians who were so holy on Sunday and prayed the long prayers or just acted all righteous but when I saw them out during the week or got to know them personally I realized they weren't very "holy" at all. I experienced the "bible thumpers" at school who told everyone they were going to hell....yea that was quite the good day. I saw church people turn their backs on my parents and it hurt me maybe even more than it hurt them. Christians are supposed to love right? Love is patient Love is kind....it does not dishonor others...it isn't easily angered 1Chorinthians 13. This isn't just for husband and wife. Then there's take the plank out of your own eye from Matthew 7. Christians are NOT supposed to judge others. Don't pick on other's faults when you have faults of your own. I believe with all my heart that Christians are the reason people are so turned off of God. If God is supposed to be this wonderful loving father why are His children the most hypocritical, self righteous, judgmental people in the world? WHY? I left the church thinking I could worship at home with less distractions but one day without devotions led to another and not being around positive people I started to just want to experience life and not have to worry about any consequence. Then situations left my heart bitter and hardened which led to resentment and anger and over time I became very negative and depressed. I still loved God but I was drifting from Him. I went down a dark road for a bit and just developed this "I don't care" attitude. I really started hating myself and life until recently things turned around. I cried out to God I wanted more from life I needed church I needed HIM I want to be happy I want my inner joy back! So I started searching for churches and it isn't easy especially when your pride gets in the way. I started in a county away from where I live because I wouldn't know a lot of people but nothing was clicking so then I searched closer. During this journey I have met a lot of people and again I am being reminded of those "fake" Christians. In fact just last week during their greet one another time I had a lady in the pew in front of me shake the person next to me's hand and completely ignore me she wouldn't even look at me. WOW! I probably would've walked out right then a year ago but I'm in a place in my life where I can ignore it...don't get me wrong it's not easy at times but I'm going back to church to fill a void in my life which is God. I need God after a tough week....He's my pick me up! I feel closer to Him than ever and it feels good! I feel strongly led back to singing and my desire is to find a church I can be a part of. I WAS MADE FOR MORE! I was made for more than a life of depression or bitterness or food addiction/alcohol addiction I WAS MADE FOR MORE! God has plans for me Jeremiah 29:11 but my job is to keep my eyes on God and NOT be a "fake" Christian! To love and reach out and stop being the selfish ignorant person I allowed myself to become. I'm not where I need to be yet but I'm sure not where I was and that's exciting!  I've met a lot of "holier than thou" Christians and I've met a lot of sweet loving Christians. The challenge I have for myself is to be the sweet loving woman seeking God's heart.
I came across this song and although me singing it without music isn't quite as dramatic and it's not one of my best vocals I want to share it because this song dropped me to my knees in tears picturing myself at God's feet. I am not deserving of His love but nobody is and what is great is He gave His life so we could all have a chance. He is waiting with open arms nomatter what you've done allowing you to find rest in Him. WOW! He doesn't promise life will magically be sunshine & daisies but He will be there when you fall. He will be there when nobody else is there for you. He will be there for you to lay your burdens at His feet.

Come and rest here
Come and lay your burdens down
Come and rest here
There is refuge for you now

You'll find His peace
And know you're not alone anymore
He is near
You'll find His healing
You're heart isnt shattered anymore
He is here

Breathe in
Breathe out
You will
You will find Him here

I will rest in You

You will find Him
You will find Him here
You will find Him

Here by Kari Jobe

2012

Well it's 2012 and I am actually still on the losing weight wagon! First I want to take a moment to reflect on 2011. In January I was so ready to embrace the blonde and improve me but instead things spiraled fast. I didn't treat my body well which showed in my weight BIG TIME! I was on anti-depressants and I just wasn't enjoying life at all! It's been tough trying to turn things around ones mind is totally a battlefield. I started new awful habits and it's hard to break them. One of them is FOOD! There were nights I would just binge like crazy and then hate myself for it! Sometimes it was boredom, sometimes I was lonely, sometimes I just felt like it. Alcohol became a terrible habit as well. It has become something I go to when I'm stressed and need to relax. I don't have a clue why I was in this funk but I'm so thankful I wasn't in it for long. I'll be honest I can see how people have thoughts of ending their lives...... it's easy for your mind to just take over it really is. God had gone from first to last in my life in a matter of moments and it started to reflect in every area of my life. My language, my attitude, my thoughts, actions, etc the list goes on. I have not had to go through the sudden death of a loved one or a divorce or lose a job or anything traumatic so why? Why go through this? I have no reason to be depressed or have anxiety! WHY ME? I may never know why but what I do know is my God is so faithful and I am in such a good place right now. 2012 is "the year"!!! I am down 15lbs.... 15 POUNDS...and this weight loss journey has become so much more than just getting skinny it's learning to crave God again. I'm so excited!!

           I WAS MADE FOR MORE!!

I was made for more than a food addiction. God has wonderful plans for me and it is my job to be healthy and have balance. I am so excited for great things!! I am excited to find a church! I am excited to sing again!

I'm excited to find my inner joy!

 ♥